Empty

This is way too hard

Loving you has become way too hard

Every time I try to reach out

It scares me

Consumes me

My love for you has taken away

All that I used to be

I gave you everything I am

And you took it

You took it away from me

And gave so little back

Left me empty and tired

Scared and alone

What I needed most

Was to talk to my best friend

And not be alone through all that

I needed to talk to you

How could I talk to you about my pain

When you were the cause of my pain

How could I talk

When you didn’t want to listen

I didn’t just lose myself

I lost my best friend

And found myself in bed with a stranger

There you were

Lying beside me

A stranger

You had stolen my best friend

And taken his place

And you didn’t care

It was all my fault

I know because you told me so

Over and over you told me

Over and over you hurt me and broke me

Your words destroyed me

And I listened

Because I loved you

I wanted to love you

I wanted you to love me too

And now that I am finally safe

Now that I am a little bit stronger

Now you want back in

You want me to let you in again

But I am not strong enough

I am not whole enough

And so it scares me

This panic rushes up

My heart races

My mind spins

You consume my thoughts and my body

I want you and yet

You scare me

I miss you but still

I feel safer on my own

And for that a guilt seeps through me

Guilt and fear confuse me

And hope and love confuse me

Do I love you

Or do I love the thought of you

What if I am never good enough

What if you want me now

But change your mind

Again

What if next time

I am not strong enough

Or what if I wait until I heal

To find I’ve waited too long

What if I find

I haven’t waited long enough

How can I be sure

You meant it the first time

You believed it the first time

You betrayed me the first time

How can I know for sure

How can you know for sure

But yet I love you too much

To let you go forever

I want to hear you say that you want me

I want you to want me

I think

And still that fear is there

Always that fear

Because I miss you and I want you

But if you didn’t want me

At least I’d know

I would know where we stand

And if you say you want me

How can I be sure

How can you be sure

All I really want

Is love without fear

This is way too hard

Loving you has become way too hard

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