Before You

Restricted

With shackles upon me

As I try to write

I feel the chains on my wrists

And the barricade before me

Blocked

My head starts to hurt

I run up against the wall

Try to break it down

Again and again

But it breaks me instead

What is this before me

Why am I

Unable

Incapable of breaking through

I cannot think

Words refuse to come to me

Thoughts escape me

My mind is not my own

No, it is not mine anymore

Hiding

I must be hiding from something

Trying to evade a realization

Something I don’t want to face

And I miss myself

I mourn for the thoughts I once had

For the words I could write

And the feelings I embraced

Because now instead I find myself

Empty

Void of meaning

Without real thought or emotion

At least, without access to it

So I struggle

I fight, like a wrestler

Trying to bring down my opponent

The strongman inside my own mind

Standing in my way

Why must this be so much harder?

I feel like a stranger

Inside my own skin

Like a mere observer

Unable to truly participate

I used to be a writer, an artist

I used to be me

A long time ago

And then I realize

It was not so long ago

Just a short time, really

I was myself

Before you

Not all good, no

There was pain before you

And loneliness

And for a while you took that away

For a time I was more myself

With you

But far too soon that changed

And the loneliness returned

And brought the pain with it

Only this time

It was worse, so much worse

And this time

There was so little of me

Left behind

That I could no longer write it down

Think it

Or feel it

This time I was truly alone

And I was left with nothing to do

But miss the me I used to be

Before you